Relationships in Crisis

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Relationships in Crisis

Relationships in Crisis
Amid the chaos in the world at the moment, one aspect of life we need to guard with great vigilance is our relationships. Yet so many relationships are in crisis. There are many reasons for this. One that I've been aware of for so long is now becoming apparent to many people. We change. The people we're in relationship with change. Many of us have the desire to grow, to explore more of the world, of ourselves and of our partner. The problem comes when only one of us wants that, when only one of us is not quite satisfied with what is. This is not saying that there's anything wrong with what is. But we see there's more. And we aspire to it. We are drawn to the fullness of the world, of life.
The myriad possibilities, the tastes, the flavours, the aromas, the colours, the sensation of possibilities calls. And we'd like, more times than not, to share this journey with another, preferably the one we began the journey with. But what do we do when they're not interested, when they think everything's ok. And it might be 'ok'. But we're not interested in ok anymore. We know there's more. And we want it. The truth is that there is more. We change. To expect people to stay the same is ludicrous. You're not the same person you were last week, never mind the same person you were 10, 15 or more years ago. So we open the conversation, often gently. About doing something different, trying something new. Or bringing it all out. I'd like more. But so many people are in a comfort zone. There's fear of change, fear of the unknown.
There's peace in the way things are. It might be boring, but I know it and I'll take it. What's very interesting is the amount of women desirous of the adventure of change and the same amount of men resistant. Not to say that there aren't couples where the opposite is true. But the vast majority are women. When people come and see me with this issue we talk about it, what they would like to do, where they would like to go, what experiences etc. And then we talk about their partner's. Many of whom they love, are good people. But they're not challenging, they're not interested in moving. We talk about how to talk to them about it, which most have already done. Time and time again. And then we look at the options. You can stay as you are; suppress the fire that burns inside for the sake of peace, to keep the status quo. You can let it out in small amounts, have the experiences, whatever they are, and then shut it down, go home to being a different you. You can choose to stay in the relationship and lead separate lives, companions for the kids, the lifestyle etc. Or you can decide that your happiness is important, maybe so important that you'll make whatever changes you need to be whom you'd like to be, live the life you'd like. There's no right or wrong answer, and these are tough questions.
A brilliant man, Anthony de Mello, wrote a piece about selfishness. He basically says that everything we do has a selfish component. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as we're generally brought up to believe. Everything we do, not matter how altruistic, we're doing because we get something from it. Well, you're in relationship to make you happy. It's quite simple. Because with you I can fulfil and experience so much of myself. In this space with you I can heal, grow, explore, be mad and wild. I can be me. If I can't then something's wrong. I'm not in relationship to make you happy. Because I can't. I can't do enough, be enough, change enough to make you happy.
If your happiness is dependent on me, or mine on you, there will be a time when I won't or can't give you what you need to be happy. And so many of us give so much away to try and make others happy. But you're in relationship to make yourself happy. Not at the expense of somebody else. But by being yourself. And if you can't be yourself, well... I guess the answer to that is how important are you to you. And what do you teach the people around you, your children, and the rest of the world by the choices you make. Not easy questions. But with so many people struggling with these issues it's important we look at them.
jontisearll@mweb.co.za
jonti searll

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Relationships in Crisis

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Relationships in Crisis